Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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