I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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