What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
