for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
