I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
