I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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