My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
