is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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