i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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