I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
