Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
