he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
