no, he came in my armpit
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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