Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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