So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Vodka?
Forever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
