I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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