and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
