I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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