Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
