I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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