So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
