she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
