wanna go halves on a baby?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
