I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
