this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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