hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
