worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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