So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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