captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
