got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
