I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
