Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
