it was like his penis was on wheels.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
