That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
