I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
