now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
