I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
