He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
