my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
barbara walters just said penis...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
