Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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