Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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