please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize