I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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