I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
