i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
