I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
