Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
