Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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