Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
