I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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