I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
