Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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