My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
