I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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