the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
