I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
