I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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