It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
