does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
